Something I wrote in 22.12.2005, a slightly shorter version:
Warm Heart, Cold Heart
The symptoms of being in a high: High self-esteem. High hopes. High awareness of all the opportunities that lie ahead of me, and how capable I am of taking them. All the cities I could “spend a year” in, all the different, interesting jobs I could take, all the different ways I could make a difference in the world… The colors of the world, all that history, all the different songs, different tastes, different people, all the passion, joy, variety and beauty… I have done quite a bit already, and I could do so much more! I’m independent, I’m self-sufficient, strong and capable, I don’t have any attachments or hard feelings, I don’t need anyone. Everybody pursues their own happiness, and one can’t really count on anyone to love them purely and unconditionally. I don’t trust anyone completely, so I don’t care about anyone because I’m certain noone can care about me like they should. So I’m a rock, I’m an island, I touch noone, noone touches me. And this is my high, my branches reaching out to the sky, all so self-possessed, they are so high above that they would all claim they are rootless.
Then all of a sudden I go into a low again. Now I don’t look into the future, but I look into the past. I see the people I loved, and whom I still love. Most of the time they are away from me, and so is happiness. I see missed opportunities in their lives, and in my life. I see people who had passions and dreams, who now have only habits and obsessions. I want to stay with them, I don’t want to have to go away from them all the time, I can’t leave them behind. I care for these people, and still I’m afraid that I don’t care for them enough, that I can’t make them happier. I want to go back to my roots, where it’s warm and familiar, where I miss and where I’m missed.
Then my cold heart tells me that if I went to my roots, there would be some missed opportunities, I will become someone with habits and obsessions. I shouldn’t be tricked by love or my motherly instincts, because I suspect they will get old as soon as they are fulfilled, and I will give too much and get too little in return.
And my warm heart tells me that having no pain, no attachments, no responsibilities means being cold and lonely. And I know that I owe my ability to even dream about all these possibilities to my family's patient, hard work.
I don’t know how to be happy, and what step I should take next.
But wouldn't not seizing these opportunities betray their hard work in the first place? We all have to be rational.
It sounds you have always been in touch with who you are, wary in searching roots to define yourself and not let anybody down; even though you were thousand miles away ..this is an awesome quality, especially at that early stage of life where it's considered legitimate to be self-interested as much as you wish :)
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