Last post about what this post is about

Because I have a feeling things will sort themselves out in a few days. I hope.

I know this will sound very spoiled. I am very spoiled. I'm 23 with a master's degree and I've been unemployed since Jan. 7.

But you are not in my shoes, so don't judge me. Maybe this will sound lazy. Let me explain: I explained here once how constructivism works. Let me quote myself:

Constructivists, on the other hand, argue that actors' understanding of the pay-offs may change, without an actual shift in material interests. Especially in crisis situations ("a policy window"), actors may be more open to new ideas - because they realize that what they always believed in doesn't work. A charismatic actor ("an institutional entrepreneur") comes up with a new idea, and uses such a policy window to persuade the other actors. As they interact and negotiate ("social learning" within the existing institutional framework,) actors change their minds about the pay-offs associated with each option.

Crisis situation: I'm unemployed. I have too much free time in my hands. There's not any progress in any department of my life. I'm desperate for getting busy with something to do, having security, certainty, learning things, meeting people, going forward. Everybody seems happy and settled in their lives.

So I decided I'd be happy taking ANY job. Any job that will keep me busy enough so I will forget myself, learn something, anything. Something that will keep me busy enough so soon I can forget all these questions and thoughts. Banks, consulting companies? Anyone who will hire me. I'm applying. I decide something is my dream job, the next day I change my mind about the job, the location. The British look through me, Turks don't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with myself. My parents don't know what to do with me. I feel so clumsy and out of place when I walk the streets of this city. I can't imagine any other life than what I used to have in London. As Kiran Desai says:

"He knew what his father thought: that immigration, so often presented as a heroic act, could just easily be the opposite; that it was cowardice that led many to America; fear marked the journey, not bravery; a cockroachy desire to scuttle to where you never saw poverty, not really, never had to suffer a tug to your conscience; where you never heard the demands of servants, beggars, bankrupt relatives, and where your generosity would never be openly claimed; where by merely looking after your own wife-child-dog-yard you could feel virtuous. Experience the relief of being an unknown transplant to the locals and hide the perspective granted by journey. Ohio was the first place he loved, for there he had at last been able to acquire a poise-" The Inheritance of Loss, page 299.

So, tonight I decided:

• I will not let anyone influence or judge me. I will not let myself influence me or judge me.
• I'll stop thinking I should be hired by a big name, just so I will enjoy putting it on my Facebook profile and letting people know - as an indication of my worthiness and fitness in this world.
• I will not let my warm heart creep through and hold me back. I will not try to plan ahead and cross bridges before I even come to them. When my family needs me, I will be there for them, if they don't need me yet, then I should do what will make me happy now.
• Nobody at this point knows that better than me. (Well, I don't know it myself yet, but soon I'll find out.) Because not a SINGLE PERSON WAS WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS; BUT MYSELF!
• It's unfair that I had an education that made me think I could become anything, and now I am trying to limit my own choices, just out of laziness, fear of the unknown! I WILL NOT DRAW BOUNDARIES, HOLD MYSELF BACK!
• I am the one who needs to make the decision and take responsibility in the end.
• If you care for me, be patient with me. (Note to myself: If you care for me, be patient with me.)