Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Feelings for sale

Today in the plane I was thinking how far I would go if I could just get rid of feelings. The love I feel for my family and the fear of not returning their thoughtfulness and kindness. The fear that something will happen to them. The anxiety when I meet with people I admire. Fear of flying. The stupid hope that the reality is different from what it is when I'm in love. The fury when people expect or demand too much from me or try to manipulate my decisions. Shades of envy and admiration for people who produce beautiful, intelligent things, anything. Despair at the indifference of people and passing time. Sodade for the lost days when I listen to an old song.

Like a bug in a jar of thick honey. What to do to get out and fly again in the cool, light breeze of rationality? What to do to find my balance? Should I keep myself occupied - with work, friends, football games, electronic gadgets, traveling, soap operas, shopping, consumption of art and news and analysis and gossip? Should I start drinking?

We are drugging ourselves with constant activity not to allow any second, unhappy, unsure thoughts into our heads. Because these thoughts spark unnerving emotions. Guilt, regret, despair at the missed chances. We do our best to distract ourselves constantly from what really matters in the world and in our lives. So that we won't have to do anything about it. So that we have the strength to live with what we never try to understand or express or change.

Sometimes I wonder who will be remembered a hundred years from now as the great thinkers, writers and artists of our times. Do we have them amongst us? Have we heard of them already? I'm afraid they may be too distracted to produce real stuff, stuff that captures the spirit of our times and lives. I'm afraid we may be too busy to leave anything meaningful behind.

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