Recently I often think of posts from 2007. It's like reinventing the wheel after four years. For example, when I came across a document describing professional services and was filled with a sense of contempt, I thought of this post. Then when I realised that I was acting too friendly and modest to the people in my office, and they were starting to take me for granted, I thought of this post. My work sometimes feels like a play, and I'm performing and watching myself from outside. And it is not possible to separate your work from your relationships with people at work. So my relationships will require some performing, as well, and I hope to inspire some fear and respect. I don't know if that's possible. People smell, they sense subconsciously that I'm one not to be feared. But as my friend Cécile rightly pointed out (must have been in 2008) you've got to be a lion in this wild world. Perform! And try to believe in your performance. Make it your own. And soon it won't be a performance anymore.
But I don't have the motivation to make it my own. I don't want to fight, I don't see anything worth fighting for. I wish I could make being an energy expert my true ultimate goal in life, I wish I wanted to rise high up in the company. That would justify the amount of time I spend at work, and I would enjoy my free time with the conviction that I've spent the whole day and more working towards my ultimate goal in life. I wouldn't feel like the time spent at work is procrastination. And I would be much more effective, because then my mind would work differently, I would come up with questions to find answers to, resources to look up, people to talk to. And my mind would need no outside stimulation like performance review metrics or my next catch-up conversation with my boss or the next meeting with a prospect or an approaching deadline, i.e. the fear of failure or breaking a promise or disappointing people, its only engine would be the curiosity and passion and excitement that comes from inside. And I wouldn't have to try to scare people (unsuccessfully) to inspire respect. And only then would I become a successful energy expert, because that's what it takes.
But this job is only a means to an end. It was to gain my independence back. But the requirements of this job and this company constrain me in so many ways. And I don't like the way it takes so much of my energy and time that it stands in the way between me and what I truly want to do.