“Olmak istediğim kişiydi göz. Ben önce ‘göz’ü değil, O’nu yaratmıştım, olmak istediğim kişiyi. Olmak istediğim ‘O’ da kendinden bana uzanan o korkunç, boğucu bakışı salıvermişti üzerime.
Bazı ipuçları, O’nu kendi hayat malzemem ve anılarımdan çıkardığımı gösteriyordu. Taklit etmek istediğim O’nda çocukluğumda okuduğum bazı resimli roman kahramanlarına, bazı yabancı dergilerde resimlerini gördüğüm düşünür ‘yazar’ların, ve bu kasıntılı kişilerin kütüphanelerinin, çalışma masalarının ya da ‘derin ve anlamlı’ düşüncelerini geliştirdikleri kutsal mekanların önünde fotoğrafçılara verdikleri pozların etkisi vardı.” sf. 118.
In the Black Book, Cemil tells about "the eye" that's always following him to fix its gaze on him, to criticize him and judge him and look down on him. The eye is in Cemil's mind, yet looking at him from outside, the eye is his ideal, the person he always wanted to be. The eye is a childhood hero, it's a prototype of those intellectual writers he has always admired. The eye keeps following him and always belittling him. Cemil knows that the eye is disappointed in him. When he looks at himself from outside, knowing what he aspired to become, he is disappointed in himself.
Anybody who is looking at you, but who is different from you, who is foreign to you, opens the third eye. You start seeing through this new eye, but it is gazing straight at you, your life from outside. You start thinking how that person must be seeing you, your life. It's a whole new level of awareness. You are a rabbit caught in the headlight.
When your friend visits your room, you become aware of the dust and the hair and the empty wall. When you present someone dear to you to a stranger, you start seeing the weaknesses and the peculiarities in that person, you are full of love and shame. When you are around foreigners in your country, you start pondering what you would have seen and thought if you were visiting your country for the first time. If you are catching up with an old friend after a long time, you realize how little you have accomplished of everything you aspired to do. If you are opening your heart to people, the third eye is looking at you, pointing at the contrast between your life and theirs, amazed and disapproving.
The next stage is anger and defense. You yourself might be aware of the flaw, the weakness, the peculiarity. You know that your room, your family, your home, your country, you are like that. In your mind, you see the problem areas, and in a liberal, rational moment you could admit to them. You would agree with the critiques. But you wouldn't let them say a word.
I can criticize my country, my family, my fears, my weaknesses, my way of living, but you can't. You don't have a right to, simply because you don't know enough. You can't put me on the spot and force me to admit to them and expect me to be ashamed. If you do, you will induce me to defend anything - I will defend the uneducated, I will defend the lazy, I will defend the ultra-conservative and the religious, I will defend the corrupt. I will do all that irrationally but strongly and with my heart, because these things are dear to me.
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