"Being thoughtful is more important than being smart," says my grandma.
I didn't care about what that meant because I wasn't thoughtful then. I'm sure there are times when I'm still not thoughtful, I'm not exactly sure when, because when you are not thoughtful, you are not thinking, and because you are not thinking, you are unaware that you are not thinking. Indifference is bliss. What I know is that I'm more thoughtful than before, and it's difficult. I think about people, about giving everyone his/her due right in my life, including myself, but I know that I'm not successful all the time. I feel more and more torn between different lives, people and places that cannot be reconciled. And in return, I expect everyone to give me my due right, I expect them to be as thoughtful, but people are not even aware. They are not aware of the sacrifice or favour I'm voluntarily doing for them (they didn't ask for it in the first place, but they don't mind accepting it), how uneasy I feel when I realize that I'm doing injustice to someone. When they don't live up to my expectations, I'm just disappointed in them, and angry at myself for having bothered. And they will think I'm a difficult, disagreeable person when I'm disappointed in them, or just stop being as helpful, because they don't know the reason. Sometimes I think that they do it on purpose, because not having thought of that is unimaginable for me - but I guess thoughtlessness is a bliss that cannot be reached by conscious effort. Some people are born with it.
So now I understand my parents. I understand the sacrifices they made for me, which I enjoyed immensely despite not having asked for it in the first place. (It doesn't matter if you ask for something or not. If you accept it, you should at least be aware that somebody is doing something for you.) And I understand their deep disappointment every time they saw me bored, lazy, cross, unhappy: Just thoughtless. I understand why they argued with me, why they were tired.
My grandmother also says "sorry" is not enough. I can't forget or forgive thoughtlessness by a simple "sorry." But I will be very happy and grateful if I see real signs of thought. If you lack that, we are just not meant to get along.
your blog entries always ring so true to me, and thus hearten me :-)
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